The Writing Machine

Stories by Christian Cloud Abraham

Who Wants to Live with a Prophecy Looming Over their Head

MEMOIR PROJECT ROUGH DRAFT

I’ve had a lot to drink in my life and I’ve spent many nights and days a nervous wreck wondering why I am so nervous waking in the morning and going to bed at night feeling like a shadow looms over me and living in terror of this shadow and I see it sometimes out of the corner of my eyes on the days after I drink too much and sometimes other manifestations of my spent nerves occur when I’ve hit the sauce too much like visions of lightning in the sky when in fact there isn’t any lightning at all.

What the hell is my problem? I’m not a drunk or a nervous pervous just for fun! The responsibility of the prophecy over me bears down on my conscience and I don’t want this burden—so I run. What kid wants a prophecy that you will “shed new light on your generation” looming over them their entire childhood, feeling there is something great they must live up to, but just wanting to be left alone. I am that kid. And imagine the feelings of failure that brutalized him when he didn’t even live up to being good at getting out of bed on time to clean windows. A stop at the liquor section in the local grocery store and a pint of Jim Beam will show that prophecy just how wrong it is. But even the booze I guzzled couldn’t keep it away. It follows me like bad B.O. because all my life people have been trying to get me to step up and become a leader, but I’ve always just wanted to be left alone. The fucking prophecy was bad enough, now you want me to really be responsible in a tangible way? In a way that might lead towards failure—failure of the prophecy? Then on top of it I look back at all the leaders I’ve known from my childhood and that is the last type of person I want to become. Christ drank with the lepers, and that’s good enough for me.

Afterthought: Once I published this passage I realized my oversight in not including the lyrics from the song The Martyr by Cursive on the Domestica CD:

And thusly it ends

Depression seeps in

On a lonely messiah

Now he drinks with the lepers

To my memory, Christ healed the lepers, but never hung out and drank with them. However, although the lyrics are not talking about Christ in the song, the lyrics still give me a mind picture of Christ defying the fears of mortal men and throwing down a few drinks with the lepers. That is an idea of Christ I can cling to. I have more to say about this subject, but I’ll leave that for the book.

END
© 2006 Christian Cloud Abraham

Posted on September 13, 2006 in
Emotion: Disgust, Type: Creative Nonfiction