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Four Silly Monster Miniatures

How to Deal with a Vampire Mugging
I found myself surrounded by vampires. Fortunately I had some holy shit with me, and when that hit the fan, those vampires ran away scared shitless.

The Indecisive Werewolf
My indecisiveness as a human doesn’t always work to my advantage in life. But on full moons, when I turn into a werewolf, it spared me the grief of being hunted, and the lives of many people as well. I’d get into long debates with myself about which neighbor to eat. Did I want Mrs. Johnson—all fatty and juicy—or my next-door neighbor, Earl—tall, skinny, and crunchy? It was always hard for me to make up my mind and despite my blood thirst, I’d spend all night pondering over the person I thought would be most delicious, and since I was never quite sure of what I wanted, I’d end up wasting my night of ravage feasting and turn back into a human being, starving, hungry, and disappointed I couldn’t make up my mind. Eventually, though, I found a good solution: I always can make up my mind about breakfast, so on full moons when I’m a ravaging hungry werewolf, I make my way to the neighborhood Waffle Pancake House and wait in line to be seated, which usually doesn’t take long. “Rar rar rar,” I say to the waitress and point to the items on the menu I want. I usually eat several of the Wilbur specials complete with bacon, sausage, eggs, chicken fried steak, and toast, and order a few sides of biscuits and gravy, pancakes, and blueberry waffles. And because of my werewolf metabolism, I burn up all the fat and calories in one night as I indulge in barnyard delicacies. And this works great with my low-carb diet, however, all the coffee I drink tends to give me the trots the next day. But, it’s better than passing your neighbor, if you know what I mean.

Eat the Brains of the Living
I know why the undead are so angry, it’s because of change. Change frustrates us all and is the reason you never have peace. But once you die, you can finally Rest In Peace despite everything going on in the world. Once you become the undead though, well, you suddenly have to deal with all sorts of new changes: bad breath, partially decayed body, slurred or unrecognizable speech, slow muscle reaction time, poor gait, tattered clothes, and a general social aversion from the living which is more than anyone resting in peace wants to deal with, and it all equates to one bad mood and the final logical solution: eat the brains of the living.

The Invisible Mooch
One thing I hate about partying with the invisible man is he always claims he brought invisible beer, but can’t remember where he set it down and now can’t find it. Then he guzzles down all the microbrews in the fridge and tries to square things up with invisible money. Plus when he gets really tanked, he likes to take off all his wraps and walk around the party naked. It’s just wrong, even though you can’t see him, it’s just wrong. If he wasn’t my brother, I’d never invite him over again.

END
© 2005 Christian Cloud Abraham

Posted on October 9, 2005 in
Emotion: Elation, Type: Fiction